a dream?

When i go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning, will it be over? Back then i can be an ignorant teenager and be oblivious with what exactly happened, but now as a twenty year old young lady can i still do that? My worst nightmare come true just as i was about to start having fun through adult life and university life, just as i was enjoying my holiday after my first semester. Time is always a factor for me. I will worry whether do I need to grow up soon or let it be? Do I think ahead of myself? Questions that every human being will ask when they face difficulties, 'Why? Why me? Why now? Why not later? How? What to do?'
I now understand clearly when a friend once told me she thought of hurting herself just to test whether can she still feel, sense pain with all the misery she went through. How she would want to escape from it. I actually thought of it just now. How will it be to just put a cut at that exact spot where you can see the veins? Does it hurt when im not feeling anything right now? How will it be if I was gone? Will it be less misery for them? Less problem, less burden? The urge was so strong that i had to slap myself. I can imagine the Angel and Devil on my shoulders. Do it! Don't do it! IS my belief strong enough? Is it true that i will be punish for doing it? Will i enter Hell?..........How childish of me, how naive to think that the problem will solve if i was gone. Looks like the Angel won the battle.
It's been a problem ever since i was born, even before i was born but i manage to evade it and God loves me enough to delay it till now. Looks like God thinks I am strong,old and mature enough to handle it. Should I be thankful? Should I be happy then?
When i was young i always asked, 'Can i have that? Can i have this?' I want so many things but the answers i get will always be the same, 'Nope, not now. Sorry, later when i can get it for you 'k dear, Work hard and get it yourself when you grow up, Aim for it' ...Yeah that's what i did. Aim for it! Till now i manage to reduce my aims and dreams to just a few. i finally got what i wanted but it is always later than anybody else but i do not begrudge it. I love them. They try to give me what i want eventhough it takes time and many years later. I take it positively,convince myself this is what you have to go through because your situation is different than your friends. This have made me appreciate every single little thing that i've own. I grew up being a pampered girl, daddy's girl. Compare to some people I am one fortunate girl. Ofcourse even that's the case, I know exavtly what the real picture looks like. That is why i am working so hard to get a degree, working so hard to make sure i must succeed, wishing so hard for things that i want it to be and to happen. I wonder if i wish hard enough it will come true? Dad always tells me that i am a lucky girl for whatever i wish for will come true. That was when i was young. I really did believe and thought I am a lucky girl but as time goes by i did realised that im lucky because my dad made the wish came true. He tried his best to make the wishes come true so how am i to blame him for what had just happened? How could i?.. with the love he showers me with? I just can't..
I can't really see what im typing...I'll continue later