a dream?

When i go to bed and wake up tomorrow morning, will it be over? Back then i can be an ignorant teenager and be oblivious with what exactly happened, but now as a twenty year old young lady can i still do that? My worst nightmare come true just as i was about to start having fun through adult life and university life, just as i was enjoying my holiday after my first semester. Time is always a factor for me. I will worry whether do I need to grow up soon or let it be? Do I think ahead of myself? Questions that every human being will ask when they face difficulties, 'Why? Why me? Why now? Why not later? How? What to do?'
I now understand clearly when a friend once told me she thought of hurting herself just to test whether can she still feel, sense pain with all the misery she went through. How she would want to escape from it. I actually thought of it just now. How will it be to just put a cut at that exact spot where you can see the veins? Does it hurt when im not feeling anything right now? How will it be if I was gone? Will it be less misery for them? Less problem, less burden? The urge was so strong that i had to slap myself. I can imagine the Angel and Devil on my shoulders. Do it! Don't do it! IS my belief strong enough? Is it true that i will be punish for doing it? Will i enter Hell?..........How childish of me, how naive to think that the problem will solve if i was gone. Looks like the Angel won the battle.
It's been a problem ever since i was born, even before i was born but i manage to evade it and God loves me enough to delay it till now. Looks like God thinks I am strong,old and mature enough to handle it. Should I be thankful? Should I be happy then?
When i was young i always asked, 'Can i have that? Can i have this?' I want so many things but the answers i get will always be the same, 'Nope, not now. Sorry, later when i can get it for you 'k dear, Work hard and get it yourself when you grow up, Aim for it' ...Yeah that's what i did. Aim for it! Till now i manage to reduce my aims and dreams to just a few. i finally got what i wanted but it is always later than anybody else but i do not begrudge it. I love them. They try to give me what i want eventhough it takes time and many years later. I take it positively,convince myself this is what you have to go through because your situation is different than your friends. This have made me appreciate every single little thing that i've own. I grew up being a pampered girl, daddy's girl. Compare to some people I am one fortunate girl. Ofcourse even that's the case, I know exavtly what the real picture looks like. That is why i am working so hard to get a degree, working so hard to make sure i must succeed, wishing so hard for things that i want it to be and to happen. I wonder if i wish hard enough it will come true? Dad always tells me that i am a lucky girl for whatever i wish for will come true. That was when i was young. I really did believe and thought I am a lucky girl but as time goes by i did realised that im lucky because my dad made the wish came true. He tried his best to make the wishes come true so how am i to blame him for what had just happened? How could i?.. with the love he showers me with? I just can't..
I can't really see what im typing...I'll continue later

lazy gal...

i wonder do i have to do this all the time...once a month an entry to my blog..damn lazy huh??
What happened...? I cut my hair till above shoulder length!! Feels different..younger, free-er, and sexier ...i just felt like that..first time in love with a hairstyle...hmmm a new hairstyle to welcome the new year i guess..cut off the old and spoilt hair made me feel like im to have a new beginning..start something or do things differently...uurrgghh i don't feel like blogging or should i say crapping but i feel like typing or just have a new entry for my blog..maybe i just crap whatever came into my mind..
im on holiday again...there goes my RM7000 per semester...dang that was fast..i can't believe i finish one semester already..things just happened and classes all 14weeks...totally different compare to the time i waited/wasted..time pass so slow at that moment..now it seems to be flying..make new friends..meet new people..gossiping..enjoying movies together..ponteng-ing classes..studying..exam..ahahaha looks like my 3 years is not going to be long...will have to enjoy till the end!! *hopefully* it's just the first semester maybe i feel that it was easy..more tough roads/paths to take..
friends been flying and making trips here and there..cousins, relatives been flying, calling and making trips in and out of countries..i want to do that also..spending ONLY 3weeks in London is soooooooo not enough..heck it make me want MORE!!! i almost got to go again with my brother but he decided to go later maybe during February..ahhhh couldnt make it ..semester2 starting...but i wouldn't want to also.. i wanna spend a very long time there not just a few months vacation...ahh im a dreamer...i have big-huge-and-far-away-hard-to-reach dreams!! =p
baby gal yieng yieng is back from kangaroo land...but the number of times i see her can be counted with one hand..*sigh* holiday is time to meet up old friends and spent some time mamak-ing...saw some old friends and i realised i missed them so much..eventhough we were not tightly close but i still miss them..really enjoy chatting with them...another friend is flying off again oversea to study..Germany..jealous gila!! ahahah..but he's nervous..a foreign land german speaking people..hmm but for me i think it wil be fun...at least he's at Europe..experiencing the 4seasons and meeting foreigners who might or most probably be arrogant, scary, or maybe friendly and helpful...that will be very good experience..maybe getting lost at places and find the way out..ahhh going through all those while having to excel in his studies...all alone without any burden but only thinking of what will be best for himself..the liberty is the best thing i supposed..nobody to answer to or feel responsible to or whatever..i guess...of course homesick will be bad..but then..ahaha im about to start crapping and i don't even know what's my point is!! =p
hmmm..let's see..any news bout my love life? erm wait..do i have a love life...erm...nope i don't!! hahaha..well a non-existence marriage with a korean and american dude..does it count? =p well this 2 guys are now my current crushes..i call them my hubbies and Amelia called them my pathetic-school-girl-crushes..pathetic,no?..but i like it..calling these 2 hubbies..better then doing nothing at all..mom was wondering why me no bf..me was thinking why no feeling towards anyone or anyone having any feelings for me..erm well not that i know of...my problem or what? well of course not my problem..it's just the people i meet are all good to be friends but not bf..my standard too high?..too fussy? ahahha...things that i rather enjoy talking with my gal friends together...i especially like how PY was when we were at Midvalley foodcourt *wink wink* =p
had an early Xmas...went out for dinner..exchanging presents..ahhh..really in the xmas mood here..love the presents i have this year..well i actually love my presents every year so hehehe..really happy that we still have our annual Xmas celebration..been doing that for quite some years..and this year baby gal yieng yieng is still here with us..so nothing much different also...i just wanna say i love my pressies a lot!!! thank you gals!! and kenny!! =)
well enough crapping now..more to come later! ciao bloggie..